For those of you following the "Adventures of Skeletor," I have a new episode. This one is NOT a comedy. It's a true Shakesperian Tragedy!
In the most recent episodes, Skeletor moved to Colorado, moved to California, was banished 10 days later, then moved in with her brother in Chicago. Peace continued in the village of Lakewood.
ENTER CRUELLA: The psychologically-challenged offspring of Skeletor and evil sister of the tragic hero, Barbie, (aka me). Cruella had been lurking, I mean living in California where she had been banished for the previous 25 years.
Barbie never saw the foreboding doom.
Under the cloak of night, Cruella escaped. Rumor spread throughout the village of her hiding in a surrounding township. The village people (not the band) attempted to prepare. Phone numbers were classified. A moat was poured.
Strangely, a huge fire broke out in the precise section of the township where Cruella hid. A quiet whisper swept among townspeople. Did Cruella light it? Or was it the plotting of El Diablo? Cruella was forced to find refuge in a temporary shelter.
Anyone who studied English literature knows that every tragic hero has a fundamental flaw which leads to her ultimate downfall. Woe is me. Barbie has a shit-load of fundamental flaws. She's screwed!
One of her fatal flaws was her huge heart (which shows itself mostly after she has consumed large quantities of Friar Lawrence's Sleeping Potion (a.k.a. Coor's Light). Hearing of Cruella's misfortune and lacking in good judgment due to the Sleeping Potion, Barbie made the mistake of opening her door to Cruella, which opened the door to termites. As you know, once you get termites, you can't get rid of them.
Stay tuned for Act II.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Hitler Was Reincarnated Into My Son's Principal
Today Brody "graduates" from elementary school and not a moment too soon!
The principal's name isn't REALLY Hitler. Nor do I mean to imply that she would engage in mass genocide (although the similarities are eerie).
Several years ago, Principal Hitler was transferred to our school. The school was adding another wing to the building. The construction materials filled half the parking lot. The rest was reserved for the teachers. Fair enough.
The construction was completed before the next school year. Parents continued with the standard procedure - driving in the entrance - dropping off their child - and continuing to the exit.
Hitler can't concentrate on issues relevant to teaching and education. She decided to focus on more important issues, like the parking lot. She decided the parking lot will be closed during drop off and pick up times. To that end, every day she places a huge yellow sign in the middle of the entry which states: PARKING LOT CLOSED
The principal's name isn't REALLY Hitler. Nor do I mean to imply that she would engage in mass genocide (although the similarities are eerie).
Several years ago, Principal Hitler was transferred to our school. The school was adding another wing to the building. The construction materials filled half the parking lot. The rest was reserved for the teachers. Fair enough.
The construction was completed before the next school year. Parents continued with the standard procedure - driving in the entrance - dropping off their child - and continuing to the exit.
Hitler can't concentrate on issues relevant to teaching and education. She decided to focus on more important issues, like the parking lot. She decided the parking lot will be closed during drop off and pick up times. To that end, every day she places a huge yellow sign in the middle of the entry which states: PARKING LOT CLOSED
WHAT? (Dictators don't need approval for the things they do!)
Parents are ordered to drop their children on the street rather than in front of the building. The children are ordered to walk around the parking lot.
I"m no traffic engineer; but I don't understand how this is safer. Did Hitler minor in engineering when she was studying teaching?
There is no exception for rain, snow, or sub-zero temperatures Maybe Hitler finds watching kids get soaked, slip on ice, and catch pneumonia, entertaining.
Hitler isn't stupid. She quickly determined some parents (including me) were violating this critical policy. As in every good fascist group, insubordination is not tolerated. So Hitler stationed two sixth graders by the sign to enforce the rule. (I'm surprised she didn't give them a gun or at least a taser)!
Every lawyer knows that there are exceptions to every rule and there is one here. If a parent could provide to the gestapos s
atisfaction they had a reason to enter the school, they would step aside.
Parents are ordered to drop their children on the street rather than in front of the building. The children are ordered to walk around the parking lot.
I"m no traffic engineer; but I don't understand how this is safer. Did Hitler minor in engineering when she was studying teaching?
There is no exception for rain, snow, or sub-zero temperatures Maybe Hitler finds watching kids get soaked, slip on ice, and catch pneumonia, entertaining.
Hitler isn't stupid. She quickly determined some parents (including me) were violating this critical policy. As in every good fascist group, insubordination is not tolerated. So Hitler stationed two sixth graders by the sign to enforce the rule. (I'm surprised she didn't give them a gun or at least a taser)!
Every lawyer knows that there are exceptions to every rule and there is one here. If a parent could provide to the gestapos s
atisfaction they had a reason to enter the school, they would step aside. This is the Heil Hitler period.
I obey most laws. I obey rules only when they make sense. I'm a rebel :)
I was not going to be dissuaded by Hitler or two sixth-grade girls. I approached the lot, stopped to tell the girls I had to go into the building, dropped off my son, and exited the lot. Like I said. I'm a rebel.
I became a little cocky and would not come to a complete stop but indicated by hand gestures that I had to go in the building. What I didn't know was that Hitler had directed these cute little girls to inform on violators. The next day, I approached the lot as usual. This time the girls were on the side and a PTA Gestapo stood directly in the middle. Damn! I had to stop the car to avoid committing vehicular homicide.
(I know I don't obey all laws, but I do obey that one).
To both her and my surprise, we knew each other well and always got along fine. She must have been an undercover Nazi. She said the parking lot was closed. I answered with my tried and true response, "I have to go into the building." For some reason she didn't believe me (Whaaaat?) She began to start the "explanation" for the rule. I cut her off mid-sentence and sternly said, "Angela, Im not going to argue about the rule with you. I am going in." She responded, "Ok," and stayed in the middle of the entry. Again, sternly, I said "You're going to have to get out of the way." So, she did.
DUH, WINNING!
Nothing makes me happier than winning! Nothing makes Hitler angrier than losing! But I hate losing even more.
GAME ON HITLER! You just met Winston Churchill!
I sent a letter to the Superintendent of Jefferson County schools regarding my concerns about the safety of six-graders situated in the direct path of moving vehicles. They stopped that. DUH, WINNING!
I kept dropping off my kids in the parking lot. DUH, WINNING?
Then Hitler sent me a letter accusing me of "frightening" two children in the parking lot. (Cuz now the kids don't pay attention to cars in the lot). And if I continued to drive into the parking lot, she would have my sons kicked out of school based on my being a threat to the school. I researched this. Trust me! Turns out she could.
(I didn't know that Hitler had an atomic bomb.)
Now I have a dilemma.
Hitler has a vastly larger military who have proven that they will fight to the death to support her. I'm just one mom. I'm a lawyer. That helps. But if I lost, my kids would be kicked out of their school. Other parents who dislike Hitler as much as I do, and want her to be dethroned, encouraged me to continue the war despite the fact that they wouldn't enlist themselves.
Like Hiroshima, I decided the risk of a bomb directed at my children wasn't worth the fight.
I lost. Hitler won. And every time I see her, she knows it, and I know it.
Brody graduates today and will attend junior high next year. We're almost across the border!
I obey most laws. I obey rules only when they make sense. I'm a rebel :)
I was not going to be dissuaded by Hitler or two sixth-grade girls. I approached the lot, stopped to tell the girls I had to go into the building, dropped off my son, and exited the lot. Like I said. I'm a rebel.
I became a little cocky and would not come to a complete stop but indicated by hand gestures that I had to go in the building. What I didn't know was that Hitler had directed these cute little girls to inform on violators. The next day, I approached the lot as usual. This time the girls were on the side and a PTA Gestapo stood directly in the middle. Damn! I had to stop the car to avoid committing vehicular homicide.
(I know I don't obey all laws, but I do obey that one).
To both her and my surprise, we knew each other well and always got along fine. She must have been an undercover Nazi. She said the parking lot was closed. I answered with my tried and true response, "I have to go into the building." For some reason she didn't believe me (Whaaaat?) She began to start the "explanation" for the rule. I cut her off mid-sentence and sternly said, "Angela, Im not going to argue about the rule with you. I am going in." She responded, "Ok," and stayed in the middle of the entry. Again, sternly, I said "You're going to have to get out of the way." So, she did.
DUH, WINNING!
Nothing makes me happier than winning! Nothing makes Hitler angrier than losing! But I hate losing even more.
GAME ON HITLER! You just met Winston Churchill!
I sent a letter to the Superintendent of Jefferson County schools regarding my concerns about the safety of six-graders situated in the direct path of moving vehicles. They stopped that. DUH, WINNING!
I kept dropping off my kids in the parking lot. DUH, WINNING?
Then Hitler sent me a letter accusing me of "frightening" two children in the parking lot. (Cuz now the kids don't pay attention to cars in the lot). And if I continued to drive into the parking lot, she would have my sons kicked out of school based on my being a threat to the school. I researched this. Trust me! Turns out she could.
(I didn't know that Hitler had an atomic bomb.)
Now I have a dilemma.
Hitler has a vastly larger military who have proven that they will fight to the death to support her. I'm just one mom. I'm a lawyer. That helps. But if I lost, my kids would be kicked out of their school. Other parents who dislike Hitler as much as I do, and want her to be dethroned, encouraged me to continue the war despite the fact that they wouldn't enlist themselves.
Like Hiroshima, I decided the risk of a bomb directed at my children wasn't worth the fight.
I lost. Hitler won. And every time I see her, she knows it, and I know it.
Brody graduates today and will attend junior high next year. We're almost across the border!
HITLER MAY HAVE WON THE BATTLE; BUT SHE WILL NOT WIN THE WAR!
DISCLAIMER: Nothing here is asserted as fact. It constitutes opinion. (I'm a lawyer. I can't help it)!
DISCLAIMER: Nothing here is asserted as fact. It constitutes opinion. (I'm a lawyer. I can't help it)!
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Where Do You Get Your Air?
Rockies Spring Training. This year in Phoenix. We arrived in today at about 3 pm (hence the half). Dan, Gunnar and Brody went to the Green Mountain High School game. I don't know why since we don't watch them when they are at home. Nonetheless, it gave Aidan and I a chance to go have some food and talk.
There happened to be an ENORMOUS Walmart near. I know you think ALL Walmarts are huge, so you get the comparison!
We stopped in the music section. I found "Greatest Hits of Air Supply!. OMG! I'm seventeen years old. I'm graduating from high school in New York. My mother flies out from Boulder. It's not lost on me that she wants to hang out with her friend, Margo, and my graduation is a convenient excuse.
So, we walked out of the ceremony straight into someone's wedding reception. I don't know who it was. The next day we hopped a bus to NYC for our flight back to Colorado. I'm not entirely sure who thought it was a good idea to take a bus to NYC, rather than just fly from Binghamton. All I know is that we missed our flight and had to sit in the airport for 4 hours.
\My mother would never show up at an event witnessed by other people without a present. So she gave me a Sony Walkman. Great. The problem was when I asked her to buy a tape to play in it.
Given the audience, she finally agreed. Guess what I bought? Air Supply :)
I listened to Air Supply sitting on the floor of JFK, and then on the plane. All the while I knew that I was leaving my friends - and my life. When the plane landed I was in Colorado.
And nothing was ever the same.
There happened to be an ENORMOUS Walmart near. I know you think ALL Walmarts are huge, so you get the comparison!
We stopped in the music section. I found "Greatest Hits of Air Supply!. OMG! I'm seventeen years old. I'm graduating from high school in New York. My mother flies out from Boulder. It's not lost on me that she wants to hang out with her friend, Margo, and my graduation is a convenient excuse.
So, we walked out of the ceremony straight into someone's wedding reception. I don't know who it was. The next day we hopped a bus to NYC for our flight back to Colorado. I'm not entirely sure who thought it was a good idea to take a bus to NYC, rather than just fly from Binghamton. All I know is that we missed our flight and had to sit in the airport for 4 hours.
\My mother would never show up at an event witnessed by other people without a present. So she gave me a Sony Walkman. Great. The problem was when I asked her to buy a tape to play in it.
Given the audience, she finally agreed. Guess what I bought? Air Supply :)
I listened to Air Supply sitting on the floor of JFK, and then on the plane. All the while I knew that I was leaving my friends - and my life. When the plane landed I was in Colorado.
And nothing was ever the same.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Zombieland
xxxxxxxxx
Gunnar loves the move
"Zombieland."
xxxxx
So now he and Brody are zombies.
And Charmaine is a witch.
Ok, so it was just Halloween!
Charmaine made a haunted house and made several small children cry.
Monday, October 18, 2010
"Mom, You Look Like a Hobo!"
ME: "Excuse me? Did I hear you correctly? You think I look like I am homeless?"
BRODY: "Yes. The homeless guy on "60 Minutes" looked better than you." "And your hair is all (He imitates the sound of an explosion and waves his hands in the air)."
Apparently, words cannot adequately describe how bad my hair looks in the morning.
All this from my little punk rock kid who likes to wear men's large basketball shorts with knee high black socks!
It's not fair! My boys can all flop out of bed, pull on shorts and a t-shirt (which they likely wore to bed anyway), and go on their merry way. When I do the same thing (at least I brush my teeth first ........ sometimes), everyone has a cow!
My boys are not what I would call "fashionistas." Yet they've already learned what women are supposed to look like. And they are embarrassed when I don't measure up.
I'd like to dismiss their opinions based on the fact they only have one X chromosome. The problem is that even my sister tells me I need to be on the show "What Not to Wear."
I routinely watch that show. (I'll have to admit that maybe, occassionally, I wear something similar to the clothes that are ridiculed on the show.) Still, I like my ripped up jeans and my Uggs and my sweatshirtsand my message t-shirts (like the one that says "This is what a feminist looks like") and, well, umm, you get the idea.
Ok, Brody, I'll put my hair in a ponytail and change out of my jammies before I take you to school. Are you happy now?
BRODY: "Yes. The homeless guy on "60 Minutes" looked better than you." "And your hair is all (He imitates the sound of an explosion and waves his hands in the air)."
Apparently, words cannot adequately describe how bad my hair looks in the morning.
All this from my little punk rock kid who likes to wear men's large basketball shorts with knee high black socks!
It's not fair! My boys can all flop out of bed, pull on shorts and a t-shirt (which they likely wore to bed anyway), and go on their merry way. When I do the same thing (at least I brush my teeth first ........ sometimes), everyone has a cow!
My boys are not what I would call "fashionistas." Yet they've already learned what women are supposed to look like. And they are embarrassed when I don't measure up.
I'd like to dismiss their opinions based on the fact they only have one X chromosome. The problem is that even my sister tells me I need to be on the show "What Not to Wear."
I routinely watch that show. (I'll have to admit that maybe, occassionally, I wear something similar to the clothes that are ridiculed on the show.) Still, I like my ripped up jeans and my Uggs and my sweatshirtsand my message t-shirts (like the one that says "This is what a feminist looks like") and, well, umm, you get the idea.
Ok, Brody, I'll put my hair in a ponytail and change out of my jammies before I take you to school. Are you happy now?
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
I Must Be Psychic!
Skeletor called today.
She said that she's "not sure she likes it out there" (after one week).
I asked her why she didn't like it and noted that she hated it here, too. What she heard was, "So, I can move back there if I want?"
Where's my fricking receipt!!!!
She said that she's "not sure she likes it out there" (after one week).
I asked her why she didn't like it and noted that she hated it here, too. What she heard was, "So, I can move back there if I want?"
Where's my fricking receipt!!!!
Monday, August 2, 2010
Where's My Receipt?
I just deposited Skeletor in California, and I didn't get a fricking receipt!
Why do I need a receipt, you ask?
Because the receipt is what says "All sales final," and "No returns!"
It's only a matter of time. One day soon, Trish is going to call me to inquire about the return procedure.
I need proof that there are NO returns! EVER!
I don't know what I was thinking! I'm a lawyer for Christ's sake! I'm supposed to know to get things in writing!
I know. It's an implied contract. No one would ask an elderly woman to give up her apartment, sell most of her belongings, uproot herself, and take her away from her favorite daughter only to send her back. Right?
Every lawyer aspires to argue a case before the US Supreme Court - I just might have one!
Why do I need a receipt, you ask?
Because the receipt is what says "All sales final," and "No returns!"
It's only a matter of time. One day soon, Trish is going to call me to inquire about the return procedure.
I need proof that there are NO returns! EVER!
I don't know what I was thinking! I'm a lawyer for Christ's sake! I'm supposed to know to get things in writing!
I know. It's an implied contract. No one would ask an elderly woman to give up her apartment, sell most of her belongings, uproot herself, and take her away from her favorite daughter only to send her back. Right?
Every lawyer aspires to argue a case before the US Supreme Court - I just might have one!
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