#1. I resolve to close my free legal service business and re-open as an elite law firm with no paying clients.
FAIL: On January 2nd, as I was walking out the door to go to dinner with friends, the phone rang. It was my former neighbor (at least 10 years ago). He is buying some property for his daughter and there is a little question regarding the property lines (survey here - fence there - you get the idea).
My husband is using sign language to, umm, politely request that I hang up the phone, but it's a pressing legal matter that is being presented to my free legal services business for Christ's sake. (Did I mention that my free legal services business is available 24/7? ) Old habits die hard!
#2. I resolve to tell my mother she is being a bitch when she is being a bitch (like when she asks me if I have gained weight).
Undetermined. She changes this up every once in a while. My husband was walking around without a shirt (he looks a bit like Buddha). She asks him "Have you lost weight?" Some might think that was a compliment. But, nooo. You don't know my mother. Any question about weight is an insult. There's either "Have you gained weight?" which means you look fat. Or "Have you lost weight?" which means you clearly haven't lost weight and you need to. It's no wonder I never know how to respond to these things.
#3. I resolve to stop yelling at my kids when they poke my increasingly flabby belly.
Hmmm. They don't poke anymore. Now my son pushes on my belly and says that it feels like a "waterbed." Kids. Gotta love em!
#4. I resolve to stop gloating about the election to my Republican friends (ok, this one might be hard to keep).
FAIL. I never really meant that anyway. I'm still planning to surreptitiously break into my Republican friend's house and plant my collection of liberal-minded books and see how long it takes him to discover them. (It's gonna be so fun)!
#5. I resolve to relearn Russian since I just found a bunch of my college books in the basement and I can't believe that I used to understand it (it's a Flowers for Algernon kind of thing).
Come on. It's still early in the year! Gimme a break!
#6. I resolve to limit my alcohol consumption to champagne.
FAIL. Upon arrival at the restaurant for the aforementioned dinner date, I asked the bartender if they had champagne by the glass. She said no, but that she had a split. Only $22. Uh. Really? The hell with that resolution - I'll have a Coor's Light. (Jeez. I'm unemployed. What do you want from me?)
#7. Though not mentioned in my earlier resolution post, my secret resolution was to exercise. Yawn. Yawn. So I bought a beginners Pilates DVD and a beginners Yoga DVD. First up - Pilates. 10 minutes in, my thighs are burning so much I have to stop. Next day, owwwwwww.
Ok, let's try yoga. 25 minutes in - stop. Now I can't turn my neck to the right. This exercise thing is really not working for me! I'll just chalk this one up as a FAIL.
This isn't going well!