Monday, April 26, 2010

How Many Ways Can My Inlaw Insult Me? Let Me Count the Ways.

In case you are tempted to interpret these stories as my inlaws "joking," remember - these are not funny people!

1. When I almost said the word "FU#@," my father-in-law sternly warned, "Watch out, Briana; I kicked your mother out of here for saying that."

LESSON #1 You are not welcome in their house if you swear no matter how long you have endured them.

You ARE, however, welcome in their house if you are one of the several teen boys who have impregnated one of their teen granddaughters and you stick your tongues in each other's mouths in front of them. You can actually fuck. You just can't say the word.

2. While discussing some of the funny differences between the US vs Europe (such as having to shop in different places for fruits and meats, having to ask where the "toilet" is, rather than the "restroom"), I contributed that when I was in Ireland, I had to go to a "pharmacy" to find tampons.

My sister-in-law, Sandy, noted that I should have been prepared and brought tampons with me. I asked her if she knew how old I was (since us old gals don't have regular periods). She did, but I still was irresponsible for not bringing them.

LESSON #2 It is irresponsible to not carry tampons with you at all times.

It is responsible, however, to not carry a prophylactic or take birth control pills to prevent pregnancy when you are a sexually active unmarried teen - not once, not twice, not three times, but four (that's the number of kids, not the number of times having sex - four kids - three dads).

3. Speaking to my brother-in-law's girlfriend, my cousin-in-law's husband interrupts to warn her that she has reached her "Briana exposure limit." He added that he was just happy that I had dethroned him from his position as the most disliked person in the family.

LESSON #3 Speaking to me for longer than 10 minutes is toxic.

It is not, however, toxic to continuously insult me. (That's the best I can do here).

4. While discussing the day's crappy weather which involved sun, rain, snow, tornadoes, etc., I spoke enviously of how Charmaine said she was going to take a walk on the beach.

My father-in-law said, "Maybe she should look for work rather than walk on the beach."

Yes, employment is important, unless you have a parent or grandparent who will take you (and your dog), in rent-free, and let you spend your income which should go toward rent for a new car payment. Course, you might have wanted to shell out a few bucks for condoms, but that's another topic!

Dan's cousin's wife was asserting her philosophical position that law is a yes or no thing. I said, well, some aspects of law are like that. Maybe you can view criminal law that way since there's a guilty/non-guilty aspect (though that's not all it is). But the vast majority of law cannot be reduced that way.

Blonde Bulimic Bimbo: "Yes it is, blah, blah, blah".

Wait a minute, last time I checked I was the lawyer. You were the bimbo with large bozoombas whose claim to fame is that you drove the beer cart at a golf course and the drunk old men gave you stupid tips. And you ate a 7 pound burrito at some restaurant that entitles you to free food forever. (I wonder if you threw up since you are a size 0). Impressive! But what about that makes you think you know more about the law than a lawyer? Oh, you're in Dan's family; and I'm me. Well, there you go then.

5. DAN: "My mom said to tell you that you shouldn't drop off Brody and Tyler at their house without knowing if they are home or not. You dropped him off at their house after school and they MIGHT not have been there."

ME: "But they were there, weren't they?"

DAN: "Yes, but they might not have been."

ME: "But we went by yesterday so the kids could mow the lawn, but they said they couldn't since they had just fertilized, and they said to come by the next day after school, which is today."

DAN: "My mom said they might not have been there so you shouldn't leave them there without checking."

ME: "But they were home. What am I missing here?"

DAN: "It's irresponsible to leave kids somewhere when you don't know if the people are home."

ME: "I know. But they WERE home."

LESSON #4. I am an irresponsible parent to drop off kids at my in-laws house when they are home. (Apparently, at the age of 46, after being a parent of three kids for 16 years, I need to be told to not leave kids where there ARE grandparents, since they MIGHT not have been there even though they said they would.)

I could go on, trust me, but I think you get the point. And Dan doesn't understand why I don't want to spend yet another Mother's Day at their house tomorrow.

Friday, April 16, 2010

My Dog is a Murderer!

I thought Sophie's worst problem was that she was an alcoholic (see earlier post).
Little did I know that was just the tip of the iceberg.

Yesterday was a beautiful spring day. The sun was shining. The air warm. Flower buds beginning to break through the earth.

I had to go to the office for a will signing, so I left Sophie in the backyard to frolick in the nice weather.

I returned home and opened the door to let her in. She came bounding up the stairs wagging her tail and carrying one of her stuffed animals in her mouth.

But wait. The stuffed animal keeps moving.

"Holy mother of God, that's a half-dead squirrel in her mouth and she's trying to take her kill into my house!"

"Drop him, bitch!"

The injured squirrel staggers away and hides under the deck. But what do I do now? I don't want Sophie in the house now because she has squirrel-breath. But I don't want to let her outside because she'll finish off the cute little squirrel. I read the book, "All Creatures Great and Small" so I value ALL animals!

Course, the squirrel IS almost dead. And I REALLY don't have time right now to wash Sophie's mouth out with soap.

Ummm. Sorry, squirrel.

Eventually, I had to let Sophie back in the house. I opened the back door to call her in. And then I saw it.

Sure, it wasn't a horse's head like in the movie "The Godfather," but I got the message.

My pantry is fully-stocked now with real meat bones from the butcher. Every time she looks at me with that "Make My Day" look, out come the bones.

God forbid the day I run out of bones!

Monday, April 5, 2010

How To Annoy a Pro Baseball Player - Ask For an Autograph

My boys are HUGE Rockies fans! Like many little boys, they admire and look up to professional athletes. (Brody wants to be one)!

All of our vacations are baseball-related. We drive to wherever Brody has a tournament where we watch tons of games in searing heat and humidity. (Most recently, our travels have brought us to exotic places such as Omaha and Kansas City.)

So when Dan suggested we travel to Tucson to attend a couple of Rockies spring training games, I figured, in the grand scheme of baseball vacations, we were improving. (The added benefit of the games being played by cute men, rather than cute boys, didn't hurt.)

After Matt Holliday left the team, I had to pick a new favorite player. It's this guy, Seth Smith. Tell me he's not cute!

The major draw of spring training, though, is the vastly increased likelihood of getting player autographs. In preparation, the kids bought Rockies baseballs.

Even I bought a hat (which I gave to Gunnar to get signatures since cute players don't sign middle-aged women's hats no matter how much cleavage they reveal - and I'm not saying that based on experience, it's just a guess).

They don't make it easy for the kids, either.

The fans start lining up in the designated area two hours before game time.
It's 90 degrees.

They wait. And they wait. And they sweat. And they wait.

Then it happens; a player has to walk from one building to the clubhouse. To do so, he must pass by this line of adoring fans who have traveled great distances for this one chance to get an autograph from the players they so admire.

"Hey (insert player's name, i.e Seth, Brad, Tulo ...). Can you please sign my (insert name of object, i.e. baseball, hat, program, shirt ...). Please. Please. Please."

"Uh, sorry guys. (Insert lie, i.e., I'll be right back. I gotta get ready. I gotta eat....)

Eventually, a player goes by who remembers what it was like to be a little boy looking up at famous players and wanting to be just like them.
"Eric, Eric, Eric. Please sign this ball."

PLAYER: He stops, walks down the line, and signs as many autographs as he can.

Thanks, Eric Young, Jr. You're pretty cool!

That evening, we discovered Manny Corpus sitting in the pool area of our hotel. We sat with him and his family toasting marshmallows around the fire pit for an hour. Then he posed for pictures with each of my boys and each of their friends.
VERY cool!

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Tucson - Day One - Planes

Now that I peaked your interest about the planes, I feel I can't let you down.
This is the Air Force One that carried the recently-deceased JFK back to D.C. while Johnson was being sworn in to office.

Here are some more planes.

Uh, more planes.

Well, you get the idea!