Saturday, June 18, 2011

A Day at The Beach

I'm lying on beautiful white sand (plastic chair) on a deserted island (my deck). The birds are singing familiar tunes (ipod). There are no roads on this island which is fine since I totalled my camel (car). There is a plentiful supply of cold water (diet coke).

In a few minutes I am going to entertain myself by watching the wild life (movie).

Wait a minute. I hear voices coming from the ocean (front door). It's pirates (unspecified members of my family). Uh oh!

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

First Amendment - How Could You Fail Me Now?

When I was in law school, I studied First Amendment Law with the visiting professor from Harvard - Archibald Cox. That's like studying philosophy with Socrates himself. Or studying the Bible with God himself. Or learning why E=MC2 from Einstein. Or how to get Adonis DNA from Charlie Sheen. You get the point!

No one in the world believed more in the importance of Freedom of Speech more than Archibald Cox. The First Amendment was "First" for a reason. The founding fathers felt exactly the same way.

Freedom of Speech is the most powerful right that people can have. Which is why it is the right most frequently denied in communist regimes and dictatorships. But despite Mr. Cox's ferocity in representing this right, sometimes, in practice, the consequences of practicing it are huge.

Just ask Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr!

I can't be more specific. But I have decided that it is not in my best interest to post Act II of A Midsummer Nignt's Nightmare.

Sorry. It was funny.

Monday, May 30, 2011


"California Dreamin' by the Mama's and the Papa's.

A Midsummer Night's Nightmare Act I

For those of you following the "Adventures of Skeletor," I have a new episode. This one is NOT a comedy. It's a true Shakesperian Tragedy!

In the most recent episodes, Skeletor moved to Colorado, moved to California, was banished 10 days later, then moved in with her brother in Chicago. Peace continued in the village of Lakewood.

ENTER CRUELLA: The psychologically-challenged offspring of Skeletor and evil sister of the tragic hero, Barbie, (aka me). Cruella had been lurking, I mean living in California where she had been banished for the previous 25 years.

Barbie never saw the foreboding doom.

Under the cloak of night, Cruella escaped. Rumor spread throughout the village of her hiding in a surrounding township. The village people (not the band) attempted to prepare. Phone numbers were classified. A moat was poured.

Strangely, a huge fire broke out in the precise section of the township where Cruella hid. A quiet whisper swept among townspeople. Did Cruella light it? Or was it the plotting of El Diablo? Cruella was forced to find refuge in a temporary shelter.

Anyone who studied English literature knows that every tragic hero has a fundamental flaw which leads to her ultimate downfall. Woe is me. Barbie has a shit-load of fundamental flaws. She's screwed!

One of her fatal flaws was her huge heart (which shows itself mostly after she has consumed large quantities of Friar Lawrence's Sleeping Potion (a.k.a. Coor's Light). Hearing of Cruella's misfortune and lacking in good judgment due to the Sleeping Potion, Barbie made the mistake of opening her door to Cruella, which opened the door to termites. As you know, once you get termites, you can't get rid of them.

Stay tuned for Act II.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Hitler Was Reincarnated Into My Son's Principal

Today Brody "graduates" from elementary school and not a moment too soon!

The principal's name isn't REALLY Hitler. Nor do I mean to imply that she would engage in mass genocide (although the similarities are eerie).

Several years ago, Principal Hitler was transferred to our school. The school was adding another wing to the building. The construction materials filled half the parking lot. The rest was reserved for the teachers. Fair enough.

The construction was completed before the next school year. Parents continued with the standard procedure - driving in the entrance - dropping off their child - and continuing to the exit.

Hitler can't concentrate on issues relevant to teaching and education. She decided to focus on more important issues, like the parking lot. She decided the parking lot will be closed during drop off and pick up times. To that end, every day she places a huge yellow sign in the middle of the entry which states: PARKING LOT CLOSED

WHAT? (Dictators don't need approval for the things they do!)

Parents are ordered to drop their children on the street rather than in front of the building. The children are ordered to walk around the parking lot.

I"m no traffic engineer; but I don't understand how this is safer. Did Hitler minor in engineering when she was studying teaching?

There is no exception for rain, snow, or sub-zero temperatures Maybe Hitler finds watching kids get soaked, slip on ice, and catch pneumonia, entertaining.

Hitler isn't stupid. She quickly determined some parents (including me) were violating this critical policy. As in every good fascist group, insubordination is not tolerated. So Hitler stationed two sixth graders by the sign to enforce the rule. (I'm surprised she didn't give them a gun or at least a taser)!

Every lawyer knows that there are exceptions to every rule and there is one here. If a parent could provide to the gestapos satisfaction they had a reason to enter the school, they would step aside.

This is the Heil Hitler period.

I obey most laws. I obey rules only when they make sense. I'm a rebel :)

I was not going to be dissuaded by Hitler or two sixth-grade girls. I approached the lot, stopped to tell the girls I had to go into the building, dropped off my son, and exited the lot. Like I said. I'm a rebel.

I became a little cocky and would not come to a complete stop but indicated by hand gestures that I had to go in the building. What I didn't know was that Hitler had directed these cute little girls to inform on violators. The next day, I approached the lot as usual. This time the girls were on the side and a PTA Gestapo stood directly in the middle. Damn! I had to stop the car to avoid committing vehicular homicide.

(I know I don't obey all laws, but I do obey that one).

To both her and my surprise, we knew each other well and always got along fine. She must have been an undercover Nazi. She said the parking lot was closed. I answered with my tried and true response, "I have to go into the building." For some reason she didn't believe me (Whaaaat?) She began to start the "explanation" for the rule. I cut her off mid-sentence and sternly said, "Angela, Im not going to argue about the rule with you. I am going in." She responded, "Ok," and stayed in the middle of the entry. Again, sternly, I said "You're going to have to get out of the way." So, she did.


Nothing makes me happier than winning! Nothing makes Hitler angrier than losing! But I hate losing even more.

GAME ON HITLER! You just met Winston Churchill!

I sent a letter to the Superintendent of Jefferson County schools regarding my concerns about the safety of six-graders situated in the direct path of moving vehicles. They stopped that. DUH, WINNING!

I kept dropping off my kids in the parking lot. DUH, WINNING?

Then Hitler sent me a letter accusing me of "frightening" two children in the parking lot. (Cuz now the kids don't pay attention to cars in the lot). And if I continued to drive into the parking lot, she would have my sons kicked out of school based on my being a threat to the school. I researched this. Trust me! Turns out she could.

(I didn't know that Hitler had an atomic bomb.)

Now I have a dilemma.

Hitler has a vastly larger military who have proven that they will fight to the death to support her. I'm just one mom. I'm a lawyer. That helps. But if I lost, my kids would be kicked out of their school. Other parents who dislike Hitler as much as I do, and want her to be dethroned, encouraged me to continue the war despite the fact that they wouldn't enlist themselves.

Like Hiroshima, I decided the risk of a bomb directed at my children wasn't worth the fight.

I lost. Hitler won. And every time I see her, she knows it, and I know it.

Brody graduates today and will attend junior high next year. We're almost across the border!


DISCLAIMER: Nothing here is asserted as fact. It constitutes opinion. (I'm a lawyer. I can't help it)!

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Where Do You Get Your Air?

Rockies Spring Training. This year in Phoenix. We arrived in today at about 3 pm (hence the half). Dan, Gunnar and Brody went to the Green Mountain High School game. I don't know why since we don't watch them when they are at home. Nonetheless, it gave Aidan and I a chance to go have some food and talk.

There happened to be an ENORMOUS Walmart near. I know you think ALL Walmarts are huge, so you get the comparison!

We stopped in the music section. I found "Greatest Hits of Air Supply!. OMG! I'm seventeen years old. I'm graduating from high school in New York. My mother flies out from Boulder. It's not lost on me that she wants to hang out with her friend, Margo, and my graduation is a convenient excuse.

So, we walked out of the ceremony straight into someone's wedding reception. I don't know who it was. The next day we hopped a bus to NYC for our flight back to Colorado. I'm not entirely sure who thought it was a good idea to take a bus to NYC, rather than just fly from Binghamton. All I know is that we missed our flight and had to sit in the airport for 4 hours.

\My mother would never show up at an event witnessed by other people without a present. So she gave me a Sony Walkman. Great. The problem was when I asked her to buy a tape to play in it.

Given the audience, she finally agreed. Guess what I bought? Air Supply :)

I listened to Air Supply sitting on the floor of JFK, and then on the plane. All the while I knew that I was leaving my friends - and my life. When the plane landed I was in Colorado.

And nothing was ever the same.