Thursday, January 21, 2010

Skeletor Statistics

68 - Number of times Skeletor has left a phone message in which she states she feels absolutely awful and instructs me to call her in the morning in case she's dead.

59 - Number of times that she has arrived at my house shortly after leaving one of the afore-mentioned messages with no apparent health problem.

675 - Number of times Skeletor has demanded that I say "thank you" for things like starting my dishwasher, bringing in my mail or newspaper, etc.

0 - Number of times she has thanked me for saving her ass in the NUMEROUS legal problems that she brought on by herself.

1 - Number of times Skeletor walked around to the back of my house and let herself in through the back door after finding the front door locked. (Once, because it only took once for me to learn to lock the back door when I leave).

1 - Number of times she has refused to leave my house when asked, and, instead, told me to call the police.

5 - Number of days before she visited following the birth of her first grandchild (Aidan).

50 - Number of minutes she stayed.

5 - Number of times she has called Aidan a "bastard" or"liar" to his face or accused him of doing drugs in her car.

0 - Number of significant life-events that she attended sober i.e., college graduation, law school graduation, wedding, etc.

969 - Number of times she has made negative comments about my or my family's weight.

46 - Number of times she has implied that I am jealous because I weigh more than her (103 lbs).

98 - Number of my kids' events, such as orchestra performances, choir performances, talent show, games, that she has been invited to.

14 - Number of my kids' events that she has attended.

14 - Number of my kids' events in which she criticized the students, talked through, or left early.

545 - Number of times since then that she has complained about not being invited to my kids' events.