Thursday, March 4, 2010

Aaaaagghh! I Am Being Stalked!

Celebrities are stalked by obsessed fans. Some women are stalked by ex-boyfriends or secret admirerers.

Not me. My stalker is way scarier.

It's Skeletor!

I am like one of the three little piggies (ok, stop laughing) trying to keep the big bad scary wolf out of my house. A mission, I am finding, that is much more difficult than it sounds.

I was naive (stupid). I willingly gave the wolf (Skeletor) a key to my house (my brain). When I finally realized wolves cannot be housetrained, I took back the key.

But what the little piggies knew (and I didn't), was that the wolf (Skeletor) doesn't need a key!
Nor does she need to blow the house down to get in.

The Tool Box:

Answering Machine: "I know you're not answering because you know it's me (duh). I feel so sick. If you don't hear from me by 10, check on me because I might be dead."

Doorbell: Ring. Ring. Knock. Knock. Ring. Ring. Knock. (Turn off the tv. Beg Sophie to be quiet). Ring. Ring. Ring. Knock. Knock. Knock. Sound of door opening (Crap! I forgot to lock the back door!) Skeletor leaves a note on the table for me to find which describes how cruel I am.

Note to self - lock back door.

Driveway: The wolf knows that the little piggie arrives home after picking up the littlest piggies from school at 3:30. She arrives at 3:00 and waits. Then she follows the littlest piggies into the house, knowing the main little piggie can't kick the wolf out of the house in front of the littlest piggies since they already think the little piggy is mean to the wolf.

Relatives: "Briana, this is your Uncle Michael (your very intimidating Uncle Michael who loaned you money for your first year of law school despite the fact that your sister had borrowed oodles of money and never tried to pay it back and I only call you under very extraordinary circumstances and the only thing I hear about you is the bullshit that Skeletor tells me but I don't know any better).

Me: "Um. Hi."

Michael: "Your mother sent me a bill from a credit card bank about an $11,000 cash advance that your sister charged on her credit card 3 years ago. Aren't you a lawyer? Isn't that fraud or elder abuse? Can't you take care of this?"

Me: "Well, I did. And, no, it's not fraud since Skeletor put Erin as an authorized user. But I directed them to stop calling Skeletor and only contact me in writing as permitted by the Fair Debt Collections Practices Act 3 years ago.

Michael: "Well, your mother just sent this bill to me and John. We can't pay this. Can't you help her?"

Me: "I did, 3 years ago, when I stopped the harrassing phone calls. They are only contacting her now because she let Erin send a letter to them asking for proof it was a valid debt, which is weird since she knew it was a valid debt, so it opened the door for the company to start contacting Skeletor directly again."

Michael: "You need to help her."

Me: "I did help her. But she let Erin send this letter without letting me see it. Like when she co-signed on Erin refinancing her house to get $80,000, and when she stopped paying her mortgage, they started calling Skeletor, and I stopped that, and then Erin sent Skeletor papers to sign and told her specifically to not show them to me and she signed them anyway, thereby eliminating any leverage that I had in my attempt to save her ass again. Blah blah, blah..........)

Michael: "Blah, blah, blah, on Skeletor's side, blah, blah."

The gist - he helped me pay for law school, and I won't help Skeletor.

Swoosh. 2 points - Skeletor.


Two days later, Skeletor said to me: "I'm gonna talk to Michael and ask him what he said to you that made you not talk to me since then."

Several more days later:

Ring, Ring.

Me: "Hello"

Michael: "Briana, this is your uncle Michael." I received a letter from your mother. She said to stay out of her life because I said something to you and you won't talk to her. And she said she can't hear and is lonely and wants to die."

Me: "Uh. Really? I don't know what you're talking about. She stopped by here twice yesterday and everything was normal."

Michael: "Well, she said to get out of her life and that she wanted to die; which is what Michael (his son) said to me right before he killed himself." (which was just a month ago and Skeletor knows that). Ok, I'll call her now."

This was a 3-pointer. I don't help her and now I make her want to die. Actually, that was out of the park! I bow to the master.


SSP said...

oh god, i think you need to put uncle michael on the Do Not Answer list...your sister is destroying your family!!!!!!!

other than THAT, however, how are you?

Briana said...

I have a never-ending cold; but in the grand scheme of things that's not too bad:)

SSP said...

awww~~ you need to come to arizona and let the exotic plants work on allergies you didn't know you had...

Charmaine said...

Fuck her and fuck Uncle Michael...that moron. We don't need him.

We really don't. Let mom deal with him. Eject, lock the door, tell her to kiss your ass.

Oh, you should see the birthday card she sent me...Sent me five dollars.

Briana said...

Another dollar and it's enough for a Starbucks!

Charmaine said...

Charlotte says to get that old woman out of your life. I don't know how...but I'll work on getting her out here. It's my turn.

Charmaine said...

New post puleez.