Monday, April 26, 2010

How Many Ways Can My Inlaw Insult Me? Let Me Count the Ways.

In case you are tempted to interpret these stories as my inlaws "joking," remember - these are not funny people!

1. When I almost said the word "FU#@," my father-in-law sternly warned, "Watch out, Briana; I kicked your mother out of here for saying that."

LESSON #1 You are not welcome in their house if you swear no matter how long you have endured them.

You ARE, however, welcome in their house if you are one of the several teen boys who have impregnated one of their teen granddaughters and you stick your tongues in each other's mouths in front of them. You can actually fuck. You just can't say the word.

2. While discussing some of the funny differences between the US vs Europe (such as having to shop in different places for fruits and meats, having to ask where the "toilet" is, rather than the "restroom"), I contributed that when I was in Ireland, I had to go to a "pharmacy" to find tampons.

My sister-in-law, Sandy, noted that I should have been prepared and brought tampons with me. I asked her if she knew how old I was (since us old gals don't have regular periods). She did, but I still was irresponsible for not bringing them.

LESSON #2 It is irresponsible to not carry tampons with you at all times.

It is responsible, however, to not carry a prophylactic or take birth control pills to prevent pregnancy when you are a sexually active unmarried teen - not once, not twice, not three times, but four (that's the number of kids, not the number of times having sex - four kids - three dads).

3. Speaking to my brother-in-law's girlfriend, my cousin-in-law's husband interrupts to warn her that she has reached her "Briana exposure limit." He added that he was just happy that I had dethroned him from his position as the most disliked person in the family.

LESSON #3 Speaking to me for longer than 10 minutes is toxic.

It is not, however, toxic to continuously insult me. (That's the best I can do here).

4. While discussing the day's crappy weather which involved sun, rain, snow, tornadoes, etc., I spoke enviously of how Charmaine said she was going to take a walk on the beach.

My father-in-law said, "Maybe she should look for work rather than walk on the beach."

Yes, employment is important, unless you have a parent or grandparent who will take you (and your dog), in rent-free, and let you spend your income which should go toward rent for a new car payment. Course, you might have wanted to shell out a few bucks for condoms, but that's another topic!

Dan's cousin's wife was asserting her philosophical position that law is a yes or no thing. I said, well, some aspects of law are like that. Maybe you can view criminal law that way since there's a guilty/non-guilty aspect (though that's not all it is). But the vast majority of law cannot be reduced that way.

Blonde Bulimic Bimbo: "Yes it is, blah, blah, blah".

Wait a minute, last time I checked I was the lawyer. You were the bimbo with large bozoombas whose claim to fame is that you drove the beer cart at a golf course and the drunk old men gave you stupid tips. And you ate a 7 pound burrito at some restaurant that entitles you to free food forever. (I wonder if you threw up since you are a size 0). Impressive! But what about that makes you think you know more about the law than a lawyer? Oh, you're in Dan's family; and I'm me. Well, there you go then.

5. DAN: "My mom said to tell you that you shouldn't drop off Brody and Tyler at their house without knowing if they are home or not. You dropped him off at their house after school and they MIGHT not have been there."

ME: "But they were there, weren't they?"

DAN: "Yes, but they might not have been."

ME: "But we went by yesterday so the kids could mow the lawn, but they said they couldn't since they had just fertilized, and they said to come by the next day after school, which is today."

DAN: "My mom said they might not have been there so you shouldn't leave them there without checking."

ME: "But they were home. What am I missing here?"

DAN: "It's irresponsible to leave kids somewhere when you don't know if the people are home."

ME: "I know. But they WERE home."

LESSON #4. I am an irresponsible parent to drop off kids at my in-laws house when they are home. (Apparently, at the age of 46, after being a parent of three kids for 16 years, I need to be told to not leave kids where there ARE grandparents, since they MIGHT not have been there even though they said they would.)

I could go on, trust me, but I think you get the point. And Dan doesn't understand why I don't want to spend yet another Mother's Day at their house tomorrow.


SSP said...

i strongly urge you to either a) move to arizona, where there are NO inlaws, and plenty of people who are going to need good lawyers if certain bills turn into law or b), get a gun, and your own really good criminal defense lawyer...You don't need to actually USE the gun, but sometimes it is the threat that makes them shut their FUCKING mouth! There is a C) of course, and you sic your mama on 'em. Just drop her off when you KNOW they are home and tell her they hate the irish. must carry tampons at all ridiculous!!!! you poor thing.....

Charmaine said...

These people are morons.

Like most genetic mutations...they protect their own and reproduce with careless abandon...sort of like viruses.

Just smile...and walk away.