Torn Between Two Lovers

I have a confession. I'm in love with another man. Actually, two other men.

Jon. Fortyish. Slightly greying at the temples. A bit on the short side. That's ok. (No one would describe me as tall - unless they were an oompa loompa). Sarcastic sense of humor. (I don't think I need to explain that one)! Politically speaking, we are totally sympatico.

I'm obsessed. I see him when I'm lying in bed watching tv at night.

The best part is that he's not always bothering me to have sex!!!! Yeah, he's happily married and has some kids. And, yeah, he lives in New York, and, yeah, technically we've never met. But I'm relatively sure we're soalmates!

You might have heard of him. He has a tv show. I'd like to say his name, but, given the marital situation, I probably shouldn't.

Then there's Steve. Very different from Jon, but, fabulous, nonetheless. He's contemplative (he wears glasses) in a quiet, yet loud, irreverant kind of way. He is inappropriately confident in his beliefs. If I didn't know better, I would think he was Bill O'Reilly! He's not. (Steve's way better looking). I even see them in my sleep - especially when I leave the tv on (for the light) - on mute, of course.

Stop pressing! I get it. He's married with kids, and I haven't technically met him either. But it's possible we're soulmates. Who are you to judge! Justin Bieber says, "never say never." Seriously. Can't argue with Justin! He's kinda cute. I'm not seventeen, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate his talent and charisma (I would throw in his cuteness but that might imply I'm a pedophile and I swear I'm not)! Crap, I already did.

It's late and now I remember how much I have in common with Craig Ferguson. He's from Scotland. My mother is from Ireland. (I know they are different countries, but they both have accents). He had a problem with alcohol and quit drinking. Oh wait. Nevermind.

Damn. Now I need to move to New York (for Jon or Steve). Or to LA for Craig. What's a woman to do?