Tuesday, October 6, 2009

October 6

My father died 28 years ago today. Weird, huh! I was just shy of 17 then. Today, I am just shyof 46. I remember the year that I was alive longer without him than with him. It's strange.

It's been a long time.

The last time that I saw him, I was a very different person. And his absence in my life has probably shaped me as much as, if not more, than his presence.

But I miss him. At least the him that I expect he would be right now.

He would be so thrilled to have grandsons. Not because they were boys. But because they were mine.

Digital cameras. You have no idea how much my father would have loved those!

And I wonder what he would think of me now. With everything that I've done right, and everything that I've done wrong. Of course, he would love me - but what would he THINK of me?

It's strange to seek the approval of a person who doesn't exist.

The photo is my dad and sisters in Ireland around 42 years ago. Charmaine and Erin are wearing wigs. Apparently I refused to wear one. I guess I have always been stubborn :)


SSP said...

aww man, that is a tough one, Briana. Your dad would be so proud of you - you are strong and smart and beautiful and funny, and your kids are fabulous too. I used to wonder what my father thinks of me...he IS still alive...but I have come to realize that sometimes you don't need to hear the words to KNOW. He would be thrilled to pieces!!

Charmaine said...

You're father would be very proud of you.

I know I am.

Charmaine said...

It's time for a new post. Tell us about your new legal practise?

Michelle said...

Charmaine told me to come here to wish you a happy birthday and I listened!!


Jen said...

Happy Birthday!!!
I'm here sent by Charmaine ;)

Anita said...

What a beautiful post! You really are a gifted writer. As gifted as Charmaine, just different. That's what made each of his daughters special to your dad I bet, just as each of your sons are special to you. Imagine how you will feel about your boys in 28 years. That is how your father feels about you from where he is. Can you feel the love and the pride and the lack of both judgement and disappointment? That's him, from heaven. And, according to Charmaine, he and my mom are up there on a date! I love that picture; a nice irish man having dinner with a nice irish woman, watching their daughters succeed and fail, cheering all the while.

disa said...